Texting Your Dad...

So...yesterday I said life wasn't that interesting lately. Well, maybe I should stop saying that. I think it invites drama.

I got a text yesterday. Here's the conversation, basically:

Stranger: Hey, I got your number from a friend and I think you're really hot. Are you gay?

So, here's where I thought, "If he's met my friend, the friend would know I was gay. There aren't any friends who don't know I'm gay. If he has a head, he'd know I was gay. So...who has a photo of me that doesn't know I'm gay?

Me: Umm...yes. Who is asking? And which friend?
Stranger: I knew it! Wanna get Chinese sometime?
Me: I don't even know you!
Stranger: Well, think about it. I think you know who this is.

And I did. The Chinese gave it away. It was an old customer of mine who always looked at me funny when he was in the drive. I thought he was gay, and then I found out he was married. So...I wasn't sure what to think. So I said:

Me: I thought you were married.
Stranger: No, that's my twin brother. We pull that trick on everyone.
Me: You must think I'm some kind of idiot! I'd rather you were straight with me than lied.
Stranger: Fine, I think you're hot and I want to give you head. Is that better?
Me: Well, at least it's more honest.
Stranger: So?
Me: I am happily partnered and have been for 4 years. But thanks...

I was bummed, honestly. My boss said she gave him my number because he told her was going to offer me a job. He didn't specify that it was a BLOW job. Hm...so it was settled. He was a creeper. And married--with children my age. And not going to offer me a job.

Stranger: Sorry. I'll leave you alone.

And that's basically where we left it. And then I didn't sleep last night because my brain wouldn't shut up about the whole situation. And it kept rendering all my memories and thoughts in tiny cubes that dropped in like sand...and it wouldn't let me SLEEP! So I'm really, really tired today. And I thought it was over.

Today, however, I get a text from him offering me a job. A REAL job. It's not what I was making, but it's a job. It's 20-30 hours a week, plus selling incentives and on-the-job perks (not sex!). He says I have "that look" with my hair and clothes and the way I carry myself, that I could sell the product to girls and interested guys without a problem. Waitwaitwait...I get offered a job because I look gay?

So...now I don't know what to think. Is he still trying to get in my pants? Is he realizing he can't have me and trying to keep me nearer for a change TO have me? Is he honestly trying to help me out, now that he knows I'm unemployed and poor?

See, this is how my life works. It's never simple. It's never a job I am SURE about. It's always this morally gray area that I'm forced to trudge through for every friggin good thing that comes into my life! What the hell?

So...yeah. This is my life.

Out

The Cookie Told Me So...

I cleaned out my wallet the other day, and in doing so, I realized two things:  I really need to clean out my wallet more often, and I eat a LOT of Chinese food.

You may wonder what the two have in common.  Well, when I gt my fortune cookie, I break it open, eat one half, read my fortune, and then eat the other half.  And then I stick that little slip of paper in my wallet, for some reason.  I'm a packrat, and I always have been.

So it was a little shocking when I cleaned out all the pockets and nooks and found about fifty fortunes.  I sifted through, separating the goats from the lambs and burning off the chaff...or whatever mixed Bible metaphor you want to use...and I arrived at the top ten fortunes in my wallet...complete with runners up and FML fortunes.

And remember, the Chinese apparently spend a lot of time in bed, so don't forget to add "in bed" to the end of them.  Or something...

10.  A pleasant surprise is in store for you.
9.  May you have great luck.
8.  A Partnership shall prove successful for you.
7.  Love is hard work, but always worth it.
6.  Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week.
5.  You will be involved in a social activity.
4.  Now is a good time for a bit of solitude.
3.  Woe to him that is alone when he fails, for he has not another to help him up.
2.  If you want something, you must earn it.
1.  You can't ride in all directions at one time.

Some of those are especially hilarious with the addition.  Favorites?

Runners up:
You have an active mind and a keen imagination.
There is excitement to be found wherever you go.
You usually have good relationships with others and are considerate and cooperative.
Love's a journey, not a destination.
You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
Your sense of humor is enjoyed by all.

Again...in bed.

And then there were a few that were truly FML moments.

Work was getting really stressful, and things were changing.  I was resisting those changes because they were stupid and pointless.  And then I got this fortune:  "Develop some flexibility in your point of view."

Seriously?  The cookie is going to tell me how to live my life...fine. 

So I made a change and decided to let everything just slide off my back...to not care enough to get mad about stupid work crap.  Specifically, I just decided I'd be a robot, doing what I was told and nothing extra until I found something better.  And then I get this:  "Avoid agreeing with people merely to keep the peace."

Fuck. My.  Life.

Stupid cookie...but they tried to remedy that blow with this one:  "You will become an accomplished writer."  Well, that's something then, isn't it?

Remember, the cookie may not always be right, but it's always sweet.

Out...in bed.