Dyson...

Yes, the vacuum guy.  I used to think he was a little bit of a silver fox.  But besides that, he's a shrewd business man.  Look at this:

Never loses suction.  You know those words, right?  The vacuums we had were fine, and I never once thought, "Gosh, I hate that this vacuum loses suction."  But this man...this genius...look what he did?  What's the best vacuum out there?  Oh, the Dyson.  Why?  Because it doesn't lose suction like other vacuums.  See what he did there?  Let's try this one:

No blades.  No buffeting.  You may have heard that, too.  This bladeless Dyson fan is the newest thing.  We're told that regular fans make little puffs of air that come off each blade.  It's not smooth.  It's a little puff puff puff that's very annoying.  But with the Dyson fan, there's no buffeting.  It's better.  But...stop a minute.  Have you ever thought to yourself, "Gosh...I wish this fan weren't buffeting me about with its blades going going going,"?  Me either.  

See what he's doing?

He's creating a problem where there really is no problem.  And then?  He's fixing it.  This man is a millionaire.  And we're all puppets.  Think about it.  What other products or ads are creating problems we don't actually have and "fixing" them?

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And I Ran...

Iran's SO far away! What?

Today...today I started running. Officially. Sort of. I still need to go get some better shoes. I have my old running shoes from college that weren't even originally mine. SO...that's a big one.

Let me tell you about running. For the first thirty seconds, you feel like the best person in the world. Doubt creeps in at about the 45 second mark. And then after that, it's just trying not to die while staring at your feet to make sure your legs aren't ACTUALLY catching on fire like they feel. Yeah...I think I pushed it a little too hard. But hey, it's something. It was maybe a 15 minute run/walk, which is 5 minutes less than recommended for beginners, but...I'm WAY not in shape, cardiovascularly speaking, anyway.

I've come to the conclusion that people who run are robots. They HAVE to be! Who pushes themselves that one more mile after the first minute feels so terrible?! I mean...I know they started the same place I did. Burning. Choking. Wanting to lie on the next available lawn and be eaten by ants. While I was running, I just felt so bad...I'm 28 years old, and I can't run around the block without feeling like I need to die.

But then...as I rounded the corner and came home, I felt it. That...satisfaction. I did it. I went for a run. I didn't die. And I think I might do it again Thursday. Three days a week for twenty minutes to start. Then? We shall see. It can only get easier from here on out, right? Right? Right?

So...there's that.

Out

F A T...

So, I'm gaining weight. Like...noticeably. Before you ask, no, I'm not pregnant. I promise. It's just...food babies.

Yeah...I've never been one of those, "Oh my god, I can't eat that!" kind of guys. But I think I'm going to have to start making some better choices about food and exercise. I've stopped working out, basically. Well...HAD stopped. This morning I started again. And I even thought about taking a short run. You know what stopped me? I couldn't decide on clothes to jog in. No, seriously. I'm so lame. It all comes down to the socks...

Not that anyone cares. Not that I'm tying to impress anyone with my bedhead jogging. I don't know why I care.

Excuses...excuses...

Hey, don't look at me like that. Yesterday the boy and I took a bike ride. I almost died, since it was 120% uphill (don't ask how that's possible...we live in some kind of M.C. Escher neighborhood or something...) and it was my first ride of the season. But we made it! It was SOMETHING!

So...thinking about taking a run is a big step for me. I hate running. I told myself I can run around the block (it's a big block), and if I feel like still going, then I will. Maybe I will tomorrow. Right now, I have to get ready for work. Where do you put your keys when you jog?

Out

The Rolling Stones...

So, I checked out Exile on Main Street by The Rolling Stones from the library the other day. I have been reluctant to listen to them for a stupid reason.

They're my dad's favorite band. Last I heard (about seven years ago), he was gung-ho in love with them and had been for a long time. He flew to Arizona once to see them in concert. Yup...

So, listening to them sort of seemed like accepting my destiny, like becoming him in one more area. But, honestly, I see why he likes them. And...I like them. Of course, one of the only good things I got from him was his taste in music. So this shouldn't surprise me...

That's all I've got today. Pretty quietsville in my life right now...

Out

About Jury...

I promise this is the last I'll say about this. Maybe.

Jury duty is over. We reached our verdict. We got a free lunch. He got a slap on the wrist, basically. The court system is so slow that the defendant and his ex wife get along now. So the court case was sort of irrelevant, honestly. That's why the judge didn't give him much of a sentence. Thankfully. Because, honestly, determining the guilt of someone isn't too hard with the evidence they give you. It's making everyone else stop looking at all the shit that doesn't matter and focus on the evidence and testimony that they told us to analyze that sucks.

At one point we were arguing over an "FS" at the end of a text message. It doesn't mean anything to anyone. They didn't address it in the trial. So...why are we spending 20 minutes speculating about what it means? One guy just would NOT let it go. But...we got there. I had to lay it out for them at one point. "My opinion about what is harassment doesn't matter. It' the law's opinion that matters, and the definition is right there in black and white. As such, this text message IS harassment under an order of protection. Plain and simple."

That still didn't do it. We had lunch, and when we came back, everyone was in agreement.

On the way in that morning, I got stared at by a HUGE man in a yellow (not orange) jumpsuit, arm and leg cuffs, and a beard. He wouldn't break eye contact. It freaked me out. *shiver*

But it's over. I made $37.50. $47.50 if you count the $10 bill I found the first day. And all-in-all, it was a pretty positive experience. I'd do it again.

Out

Jury duty today, but I found $10! So...I'm even Steven!

Jury Duty...

Yup. I have jury duty this morning at 9:30. I've never had jury duty. I have to report for selection...I hope I don't feel rejected when they send me home. I have the same feeling this morning as I do before a job interview. Ugh.

So, since I'm going to be at jury duty today, here's something to tide you over. I wrote it yesterday at writing group to answer the prompt "If you could ask God one question..."

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I was dead. That I knew. I searched my mind for my final moments and came up with a foggy image of candles. I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t important. But here I was. Heaven. It wasn’t the Ritz. I guess I’m not really allowed to tell you about it...but trust me, you’ll like it when you get here. If you get here. Although to be honest, I haven’t been able to come up with anyone who isn’t here...not that I’ve tried too hard. But...I’m not really allowed to tell you about that.

The thing that was most exciting to me was that I got to have an audience with the big cheese--who isn’t at all like you’re picturing. Unless you’re picturing a giant--never mind. I can’t tell you that, either. But I was thrilled. I got to ask any question I wanted. And it wasn’t like I only got one. I could ask and ask and ask until I was satisfied. But when I got my audience, I was so awed, so in shock, and so happy that my mind sort of went kablooey...like a hive of bees falling out of a rotting tree. I couldn’t get it together, couldn’t make a question materialize. I stood there, agape, something I was sure God had seen before. Apparently you can be embarrassed in Heaven. But all of a sudden it hit me, the question I’d most like to ask.

I opened my mouth, and God said, “You don’t want to know.”

“I think I do,” I replied. “Wait...how do you know what I’m going to ask?”

“I’m God.”

“Riiiight. Sorry. I’m not used to meeting celebrities.”

God laughed. Actually laughed. It was a sound like nothing I’d ever heard. It put me instantly at ease, and I smiled.

“Okay,” God said. “I guess I can tell you. Remember the Crusades?

“Well, I wasn’t there personally, but I know that a lot of terrible things happened in your name.”

“Right. Well...that’s why.”

“Wait...but that was thousands of years ago,” I replied, confused.

“Give or take,” said God.

“So...you’re telling me that the Crusades are the reason that he came to power?”

“Yes.”

“Well...is he here?”

God looked at me. “Not yet.”

“Thank God,” I said. “I’m so sick of Justin Bieber!”

“You’re welcome.”

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