Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Lately I've been having doubts.

Let's go back.  A month or more ago I heard that one of our full-time tellers was leaving the bank.  I alerted the relevant parties that I was interested in her position, since I'm part-time.  There was only one other person at our branch who would have been more qualified for the job than I am.  She told me she didn't want the job.  Wasn't going to apply.


So I waited.  And her last day approached.  It's still approaching, actually.  And I didn't hear anything.  And I wondered if maybe they were just going to break it up into part-time positions.  And I told friends and others that if I wasn't hired for it, I would be quitting, because if they aren't going to hire me when I'm so obviously qualified and interested, then they never would and I could stop waiting around for that.

Finally, I got an email last Wednesday from the head of HR at the bank asking me to call her.  So I did. I figured, "Hey, good news, finally!"

"The position has been filled."  By my best friend at the bank.  The one who told me she wasn't even interested and wasn't going to apply for it.  And I was furious.  Still am, actually.

And I'm having doubts about my future.  Like...in general.  Right now, I just want a different life.  I'm not happy.  My routine is dull.  My prospects for the future are fairly bleak.  And I'm just tired of everyone around me and all the bullshit every second of every day.

I'm turning into my father.  And if you know me, you can guess my opinion about that fairly easily.  He's a miserable old fuck who doesn't like anyone or any thing but himself.  And everyone else is a stupid asshole, a fucking idiot, or some other colorful epithet that stops him from having to deal with life in the same way as any normal person.

I don't want to be that miserable old fuck.  But I can feel myself scabbing over and losing the desire to participate in anything at all anymore that isn't strictly comfortable and easy.


It's coloring my conversation, my relationship, and definitely my attitude about work, especially right now.  And there doesn't seem to be very much light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Even just writing this feels like something people will roll their eyes at and go, "More of this?  Is he ever happy anymore?"

And even writing that feel like more of the same.  I just need...something...a long walk by myself...and change.



Bryan Ochalla said...

Ugh. I'm sorry to hear this, Justin :( I think you have every right to feel angry and disappointed about what happened. How could you not feel that way in such a situation?

It really sounds like you have to sit down and have a good chat with yourself--and with Robb, too, I'm guessing--about what your options are, what you could do instead, what you'd like to do instead, how you can make that happen, etc.

One piece of advice from me to you: if you decide to stay, or if you have to stay for a bit while you look for another job, you really have to do what you can to make some sort of peace with your job, your employer, etc., so you can end this cycle of negativity.

For a good year or two, I was stuck in a similarly negative rut about my work. I hated pretty much everything about it, and all I wanted was something else--it didn't much matter what it was.

At some point, and I honestly can't remember when it was or what brought it on, I started to turn things around ... in part, I think, by questioning why I was being so negative. What was so bad about my job, or my bosses, or working from home, or any of the things I spent so much time complaining about to my husband (among others)?

In the end, I came to realize that most of those things weren't all that bad--and, in fact, some of them were pretty darn good--but I had become so used to thinking they were bad that I was completely unable to see them as good (if that makes sense).

I'm not trying to imply our situations are exactly the same, and I'm also not trying to say you have nothing to feel bad/negative about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things may not be as bad as they seem--or that there may be positive aspects of the situation that you can cling to while you work to find another job, career, etc.

Anyway, here's to you turning things around to the point that you're enjoying life as much as you (and anyone else) should.

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Thanks for the advice, Bryan! I'm sure turning my attitude around would help a whole lot. Right now, finding another job is a matter of principle.


But yeah...right now I'm just going, doing my job, and going home. No personal involvement, no volunteering to cover schedule holes, nothing. It'll pass. I'm sure it will. But I'm definitely on the hunt for something full-time. A 30-year-old man shouldn't be without any form of insurance.