The Gut Reaction of Nintendo's E3 Direct Presentation...

I took some time today to watch the Nintendo Direct presentation that started at 9 and lasted...oh...45 minutes, tops.  Seemed like about 30 seconds, to be honest.  Honest reactions?  Glad you asked:

Pre-show thoughts:

Hope it's more Iwata that Reggie.  I'd even take Bill Trinen's vacant eyes over Reggie's moist lips, huge  flat face, and so, so calculated hand gestures.  Please!

Hope to see new Wii U Mario in the spirit of Galaxy, more Lint to the Past 2 coverage, footage of Smash Bros with one surprise character (that is NOT Bayonetta!), and an announcement that the Pikmin 3 release date was a joke and it's hitting stores tomorrow.

What's Reggie's terrible meme-based joke going to be this year?

Sure to see more Yoshi Yarn, Mario and Luigi Dream Team, and Game & Wario.

My big dream, though?  Some kind of video or news of some sort regarding the new Wii U Zelda game.  Fat chance...

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How did I do?  Well, I was wrong about ALMOST everything.  It was all Iwata.  We got new Mario, but not in the spirit of Galaxy.  There WAS Smash Bros video WITH two--TWO!--new character announcements.  There were no bad jokes from Reggie...nothing at all from him, really.  And all the things I was so sure of?  Didn't see ANY of it.

If you want to know, for real, what went through my head, here goes nothing:

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9:00 - The countdown ended.  Where's my video?  WTF?!  Hope I'm not missing anything...

9:02 - Hello?  Flashing elipses?  Where's Iwata-san?  Is it late?  Should I refresh?

9:03 - Refresh.  Search Kotaku for link...maybe I'm on the wrong page...Nope.  Links back to the page I am already on.  Hope I didn't lose my spot in the queue...

9:05 - WHERE IS MY IWATA?!  Check Twitter to see tweets about new 3D Mario game...and Pokemon something...I AM missing it!!  WTF?!

9:06 - Refresh again, confident I missed EVERYTHING!  THERE'S IWATA!  AND CHESPIN!  My starter!

9:07 - Video froze...fairy-type Pokemon?

9:08 - Buffering.  Switch to low quality.  Still shitty.  SO FRUSTRATING!!

9:10 - This.  Blows.  Oh...there we go.  October 12th for Pokemon X&Y.

Ah!  New Mario!  Peed my pants.  Guess I'll have to sit with peed pants for an hour.

Looks like new 3D Land...eh...what's that 3-star meter in the corner?  Angry Birds?

CAT MARIO?!  YES!!!!!!

Luigi.  PEACH!  TOOOAAAAD!!!!  Oh...wait...PEACH!!!  Hooray, she floats!  Finally.  Multiplayer.  Rob'll be SO BAD at this.  What system?

9:15 - CATS!!  Oh...Super Mario 3D World.  Makes sense, I guess.  I hate the awkward naming system they've adopted...

Not a fan of the clear pipes...they lose something...

CHARGIN' CHUCK!!

New goombas are UGLY!

Also...they added a score counter back.  Online leaderboards, perhaps?

9:16 - Mario Kart 8?!  DAISY!  "Yay Tom!"

9:18 - Computer reads mind when I think, "High quality would look so pretty, but I'm not sure I want to switch and lose my video feed stability...not that it't that stable now..." and the video switches to high quality by itself.  O_o

Fun.  I'm reminded that I hated the Wii one, but loved 7.  This looks more like 7.  It's no Double Dash, but it looks great!  Like...Galaxy Kart with the anti-gravity thing...

9:20 - Iwata can't quite get the hang of saying "multiplayer."  Mulletplayer.

The theme of this video should be "BUFFERING!"

9:21 - Wii Party U turns gamepad into tabletop arcade cabinet, sort of.  That's neat, but...eh.

9:22 - Video skips to Wii Fit U...hm...nap time.

9:23 - Art Academy Wii U?!  No?  Art Academy tools for Miiverse?!  This is awesome!  Well played, Nintendo!

Video skips past.  Damn.

9:24 - Iwata's tie knot is far too wide...is it a clip-on?

Wii U montage...pass...pass...pass...shoulder injury from Just Dance 3 leads me to pass on JD4...sour about Rayman Legends still...pass...superheroes...pass...pass...Spyro...pass...guns...pass...Sonic Galaxy...UGH.  Not a fan of Sonic.  At all--video skips, thankfully.  This is disorienting...

9:27 - eShop montage.  Lots of good things.  Scram Kitty?  SHOVEL KNIGHT!!  Um...penises?  Video skips...Ugh.

Wind Waker HD!  Hm...still not sure...but butterflies are in my stomach.  Drool.  Okay, I'm sold.  Day one for me.  Aryll crying out, "Brother!" still chokes me up...

9:30 - VIDEO SKIPS!  ARGH!!!  More HD Wind Waker...Video skips.  Tingle!  Wii U Tingle Tuner!  Nice!  Looking forward to sharing snapshots of WWHD on Miiverse!

Video skips.

Video dies.

9:31 - Video returns...Wonderful 101 looks awesome.  Iwata has trouble with "101."  Says, "One Whoa One."  Cute.

9:32 - New Game!  Donkey Kong on Wii U!  So pretty.  Want.  Vikings as enemies?  That's neat.  They're kind of an underutilized group of people in gaming.  DIXIE KONG!!!!  Donkey Kong Jungle Freeze.  That'll be my NaNoWriMo reward in November when it comes out.

9:35 - Bayonetta 2...nap time.  Why doesn't the video skip through this one?  Meh...was that thug kid supposed to be something?

Video skips.  Phew.

9:37 - Feet.  Monolithsoft.  Mechs?  I'm mot likely out.  Xenosomething?  A countdown clock?  Count me out for sure.  Majora's Mask taught me to avoid a game with a countdown clock...Xenosomething, I predict, will be a prequel to Xenogears.  Bets?  Looked pretty, but...eh.  Maybe not a prequel.  Sequel? Standalone?

9:40 - Last one?  SMASH...Crossing?  Ahhh!!!  Sooooo cute I have chills!

New art style?  Meh.  Oh...it changed...better!  Maybe the drawn style is on 3DS and the better one is on Wii U?  Bet that's it.

VIDEO FROZE!!!!  NO!!!  MISSING IT!!!!!

Final smash, maybe?  Can't tell because video is FUCKING FROZEN but the sound effects are neat...stupid video frozen on Mario's foot...2014.  Thanks, fuckers.

9:42 - New character!  Simon Belmont?!  No.  MEGAMAN?!  YES!!!!  Video frozen...NO!  DAMNIT!

9:43 - Crashed.  Saw a glimpse of what appeared to be Leaf Man's weapon?  Maybe?

Now it's offline entirely...

Off to Kotaku to watch trailers again without the skipping and buffering...fucking buffering...

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After seeing the things I missed:  Is the Animal Crossing character playable?

OH!  I missed that entire portion of the video when it froze.  Sweet!  He IS playable.  Wonder if the girl will be one of his palette swaps.  New favorite character.

The Smash video seems to hint at a new Subspace Emissary-type subgame.  Sweet!

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And that's pretty much it from me.  Can't wait til the Smash people start a drip-feed news site that I can stalk constantly for the next year and a half, because you KNOW 2014 means holiday for something like this.

Well...now we all just have to wait and see what happens.  EXCITING!

Out