Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Cookie Told Me So...

I cleaned out my wallet the other day, and in doing so, I realized two things:  I really need to clean out my wallet more often, and I eat a LOT of Chinese food.

You may wonder what the two have in common.  Well, when I gt my fortune cookie, I break it open, eat one half, read my fortune, and then eat the other half.  And then I stick that little slip of paper in my wallet, for some reason.  I'm a packrat, and I always have been.

So it was a little shocking when I cleaned out all the pockets and nooks and found about fifty fortunes.  I sifted through, separating the goats from the lambs and burning off the chaff...or whatever mixed Bible metaphor you want to use...and I arrived at the top ten fortunes in my wallet...complete with runners up and FML fortunes.

And remember, the Chinese apparently spend a lot of time in bed, so don't forget to add "in bed" to the end of them.  Or something...

10.  A pleasant surprise is in store for you.
9.  May you have great luck.
8.  A Partnership shall prove successful for you.
7.  Love is hard work, but always worth it.
6.  Your talents will prove to be especially useful this week.
5.  You will be involved in a social activity.
4.  Now is a good time for a bit of solitude.
3.  Woe to him that is alone when he fails, for he has not another to help him up.
2.  If you want something, you must earn it.
1.  You can't ride in all directions at one time.

Some of those are especially hilarious with the addition.  Favorites?

Runners up:
You have an active mind and a keen imagination.
There is excitement to be found wherever you go.
You usually have good relationships with others and are considerate and cooperative.
Love's a journey, not a destination.
You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
Your sense of humor is enjoyed by all.

Again...in bed.

And then there were a few that were truly FML moments.

Work was getting really stressful, and things were changing.  I was resisting those changes because they were stupid and pointless.  And then I got this fortune:  "Develop some flexibility in your point of view."

Seriously?  The cookie is going to tell me how to live my life...fine. 

So I made a change and decided to let everything just slide off my back...to not care enough to get mad about stupid work crap.  Specifically, I just decided I'd be a robot, doing what I was told and nothing extra until I found something better.  And then I get this:  "Avoid agreeing with people merely to keep the peace."

Fuck. My.  Life.

Stupid cookie...but they tried to remedy that blow with this one:  "You will become an accomplished writer."  Well, that's something then, isn't it?

Remember, the cookie may not always be right, but it's always sweet.

Out...in bed.

4 comments:

Argent said...

Hehe, these are deifnitely funny with "in bed" at the end. My fave is "Woe to him that is alone when he fails, for he has not another to help him up (in bed)". Such a weird image that creates in my sad little head. Perahps we should write fortunes for each other. Mine for you would be: You will bring smiles to the faces of people in a distant land (add in bed if ya like!).

Kelly Muys Wood said...

My favorite post yet. FAVORITE.

But, yeah, you eat way, way too much Chinese food, VJ. ;)

Kelly
http://tearinguphouses.blogspot.com

Viewtiful_Justin said...

I do, it's true!

And Argent, I think I'd write the same fortune for you!

A human kind of human said...

Very funny... in bed.